Open relationships: what people who live them say

Talking openly about an open relationship is still rare. Even so, more well-known people are describing how they organize their relationships outside traditional monogamy: writers, journalists, comedians and columnists. They are not handing out recipes. They are putting on the table something many couples live through quietly.

At BarSwinger we looked at what some of these voices have said in interviews, books and mainstream media. We are not interested in their private lives, but in what their experience can teach: how they talk to each other, how they handle jealousy, where they set boundaries and how they deal with other people's judgment.

Four voices on open relationships

Dan Savage: the idea of a "monogamish" couple

US columnist and podcaster Dan Savage popularized the word monogamish to describe his marriage to Terry Miller. In an interview with CBS News (February 15, 2015) he explained that a word was needed "in-between monogamous and non-monogamous," because they were mostly monogamous. His point is simple and useful: a relationship does not have to fit a rigid label. What matters is that both people know what they have agreed to, and why.

Mo'Nique: honesty first, and the right to change your mind

Actress and comedian Mo'Nique said in 2016 that the open arrangement with her husband, Sidney Hicks, was her idea and came from honesty: she did not want to be dishonest with the person she considered her best friend, as reported by Mic (July 15, 2016). Years later she explained that she had "grown out of" that desire and preferred to focus on her bond with her husband, as published by PEOPLE via Yahoo (March 8, 2023). Her story is a reminder of something often forgotten: an agreement is not forever. It can be reviewed, widened or closed.

Molly Roden Winter: therapy, jealousy and time

Writer Molly Roden Winter published More: A Memoir of Open Marriage in 2024, describing how her marriage moved from monogamy to an open relationship. In an interview with the Evening Standard, republished by Yahoo (May 14, 2024), she credits years of individual and couples therapy for much of her ability to handle jealousy. She also stresses that her book is not an invitation: "You absolutely don't have to open your marriage." And she says her sons accepted the book on one condition: that she change their names, a good example of protecting other people's privacy.

Rachel Krantz: liberation also means knowing how to say no

Journalist Rachel Krantz told her story of a non-monogamous relationship in Open (2022). In an interview with The Millions (January 24, 2022) she describes non-monogamy as a "both/and" approach rather than an "either/or" one. But she does not present it as an easy path: she talks about the jealousy that appeared and about how, without clear rules and communication, a dynamic can cause harm. That is why she calls her book, in large part, a cautionary tale.

What they have in common: five lessons

1. Talk before, during and after

Every one of these stories starts with an uncomfortable conversation. Before opening a relationship, partners need to agree on what is allowed, what is not, and what they will do if something hurts. And that agreement is not signed once: it is reviewed over time.

2. Consent belongs to both of you (and to everyone involved)

Opening a relationship cannot be a forced concession. Both partners must genuinely agree, without pressure, and anyone who enters the story should know about the agreement. If someone says yes only to avoid losing the other person, the relationship has an earlier problem.

3. Jealousy does not vanish: it is managed

None of these voices claims that jealousy disappears. They talk about therapy, about time, about acknowledging feelings without guilt. Jealousy usually points to a need: more attention, more security, more information. Listening to it helps more than hiding it.

4. Privacy matters

Telling your own story does not mean exposing anyone else's. Changing names, not showing other people without their permission and separating public from private life is a form of respect, especially when children or family are involved.

5. Changing your mind is valid too

Mo'Nique's story makes it clear: what works at one stage of life may not work at another. Returning to monogamy, or trying a different kind of agreement, is not a failure. It is part of knowing yourself better.

Stigma: why this is still hard to talk about

People who talk publicly about an open relationship often face criticism: they are accused of selfishness, of not truly loving their partner or of setting a bad example. Several of these voices have described that pressure. Their value lies in showing that there are many ways to build a relationship, and that what matters is not the model but respect, honesty and mutual care.

If you are thinking about exploring the lifestyle, read our guides on consent and boundaries and on how to talk as a couple before taking the first step.

Frequently asked questions

What is an open relationship?

It is a relationship in which both partners agree they may have emotional or sexual connections with other people, under rules they define themselves. There is no single model: each couple decides its own boundaries.

How do you raise opening the relationship without hurting your partner?

Take your time, avoid ultimatums and do not rush. Explain what you are looking for, listen to your partner's fears and accept a "no" or a "not yet." Many couples use therapy to support that conversation.

What role does consent play?

It is the foundation. Everyone involved must be informed and in agreement, can change their mind at any time and must feel free to say no.

How can you protect your privacy in the lifestyle?

Do not share other people's details or images without their permission, use first names or aliases when speaking publicly and keep your social and professional lives separate if you prefer. Discretion is a basic rule of the community.

About this article. This text is based only on public statements by the people mentioned, in the media and books linked in each section. If you are one of them and would like a correction or the removal of the mention, contact us at barswinger.com/en/report.